S3 Episode 2: Steps to Sobriety - A Testimony of God's Grace

In this episode, Abbey sits down with Penny for a raw and inspiring conversation about grief, addiction, healing, and faith. Penny shares how losing her father during her freshman year of college became a turning point in her life. While she describes him as a good provider and present father, she also opens up about the deep feelings of rejection she carried from childhood and how those wounds followed her into adulthood.

Penny reflects on years spent searching for love and validation in relationships, hoping to fill a void that never seemed to go away. As she navigated heartbreak, loneliness, and unresolved pain, she found herself caught in cycles of alcoholism, drug use, failed relationships, and self-destructive choices. Through it all, she says God never stopped pursuing her, even when she was at her lowest.

The conversation explores Penny's recovery journey, including overcoming a decade-long cocaine addiction and eventually confronting the alcohol dependence that had taken over her life. She shares how rehab became a turning point, helping her learn practical tools for sobriety while beginning the deeper work of healing emotionally and spiritually.

Today, Penny is focused on rebuilding her life with purpose. She talks candidly about learning to love herself again, embracing a season of obedience to God, and using her story to help others find hope. Her testimony is a powerful reminder that no matter how much time has passed or how far you've fallen, it's never too late for a new beginning.

Contact Penny here: Mrth13teen@gmail.com
Penny Dowell on Facebook

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:00

You're listening to The Freedom Bridge with Abby Moorhead. Each week we'll explore God's mighty abundance and how to draw near to him every day. Alright guys, welcome back to a new episode on the Freedom Bridge. As you see, I have my beautiful guest Penny here, and um she is here to share her wonderful testimony with us today. It was gonna be a powerful one. Um I would love to just open this up in prayer. Thank you for today. Thank you for trying to share the testimony today. Or have your way. So Penny here. Um worked here when she was nine years old with her family. And she has had anything down all of her life, I'm gonna say. Right now we worked together on that thing at Texas Roadhouse. You left and came back for a while.

SPEAKER_01 1:25

Yeah, I was I was on and off at Texas Roadhouse for ten years. When did you come back? Um my third time around, just came back uh two, three years ago.

SPEAKER_02 1:37

Okay, that's what I thought. I was there.

SPEAKER_01 1:39

I actually almost the whole four. My whole four of my sober, yeah. Wow, that's so good.

unknown 1:45

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 1:45

We'll say three and a half.

unknown 1:46

Where were you before that?

SPEAKER_01 1:48

I was in and out of job. Oh, okay. We'll get to we'll get we'll get there.

SPEAKER_02 1:56

Well, Penny here um started a LLC called Square Life and she just graduated her paraprofessional associate's degree. Just life is completely different from I'm gonna say four or five years ago. And um, you know, it started off. How was life growing up? What what did life look like? What did life feel like for you? I want them to know you.

SPEAKER_01 2:18

Life life growing up was a complete household, mother, father, me and my two other uh sisters. I have an older half-sister, she lives in Maryland with her children. It was a r it was a nice, good household. We had everything that we needed. We were encouraged to be who we are, to be individuals. If we if we showed interest in something, we were supported. I was a basketball athlete, so I had a huge basketball journey. I got a basketball scholarship when I was in high school, went to college for that. And then my father passed my freshman year of college, so that took a toll tremendously of my whole family. So yeah, so uh after that, like I had to come back home. I went to school in Montreat College, a little Christian D2 school down in Montreal, North Carolina. When I felt like um when people talk about, have you ever been have I ever have you ever met one of your angels in your life? And I really felt like one of my past teammates in high school. I remember her telling me when everything was said and done and we graduated and everything, that she pulled me to the side and she was like, I pray for you to go to Christian school. And this is after I've already signed, I didn't know this beforehand, like all this, like she knows she was big Christian. Like I've always been in church, like I've always I'm always with my friends. Never went with my family. And that's very Yeah, I was very I believe it's I was young and it was like it was always through my friends and their family. Like I always went, like I started out in Catholic church, and then we went to Baptist church, and then went into the body of Christ.

SPEAKER_02 3:57

So um hours when I was I didn't go with my parents, like it was always friends.

SPEAKER_01 4:04

Yeah, it's always friends. It's strange, even though that we come Christian background like my mother was, like, you know what I'm saying? She's real Catholic, time grandmother mother, like things like that. It's just as a family, it wasn't a thing now that I'm looking back on it. So, but yeah, so like after I came home from school, like everything just went downhill for me, losing my father, even though we weren't close, he was still a fear factor in my life as far as like I can't disappoint him, you know what I'm saying? I have to stand there straight in there, I gotta go to school, gotta get the grades, gotta you know what I'm saying, because you have somebody watching you, and then like when he left, it's just like I didn't have that, so I was just out here in the world with without the fear factor, like there was no consequence or anything that I did, so it's just like I was just being steered in the wrong directions, and then I got into alcoholism, got into drug use, even selling drugs, in another jail, failed relationships, and it's just like it wasn't until I was 41, 42 when I said I had enough. Like, hey, it's never too late. Life happens the way that it happens, but I've learned along the way, and I've learned that God was there with me along the way because I could have there's many situations in my life where it could have ended if it wasn't for him, and I knew in those situations he played a huge part of it.

SPEAKER_02 5:30

So like yeah, how so how old were you like 1920?

SPEAKER_01 5:35

Or like Yeah, I came when I came home it was like 2021, and then it was just started out in the restaurants, and like I pretty much opened every restaurant in Fredericksburg at this point. Like Yeah, I've been cooking in a long time. I've been cooking since I was 24.

SPEAKER_03 5:49

Like it like your own restaurants?

SPEAKER_01 5:51

Yeah, well, yes and no, like I can't really do recipes, I'm allergic to everything. So it's like I I don't have a palate, like my other sister does, like she could eat anything. My middle sister, she can eat anything.

unknown 6:03

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 6:04

So she she's more the creator when it comes to recipes and stuff like that.

SPEAKER_02 6:07

So it's just like and I believe that because loaded meat.

SPEAKER_01 6:16

Like little snag onto the side, like what is this?

SPEAKER_02 6:20

Like fried little the mushrooms and the she would make stuffed salmon bacon.

SPEAKER_01 6:26

Yes, yes, way overween you and my little marinatic cookies or what?

SPEAKER_02 6:32

Yeah, no, we'll definitely have a gift. Like there, and I'm like, yo, stop.

unknown 6:37

Stop.

SPEAKER_02 6:39

I've actually got a lot of guests on um, like when they would order like what what do you like? And I'm like, hmm, let me tell you. And so when like I'll be like, oh, get this load of baked potato, but then ask for the cheese sauce on the side. Get a skip broccoli, get it a little extra steam, so it's a little bit softer for me.

SPEAKER_01 6:57

Load the broccoli, like let's let's let's get all the fixes.

SPEAKER_02 7:01

Literally, and then even and then like take take take the full pork that we have and put it in the baked potato. I can't eat that stuff anymore now because like I found out not particularly, but I enjoyed it.

SPEAKER_03 7:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 7:15

She got a gift for me. Yeah, she's that so you're allergic to a lot of things, so you just so but it doesn't bother you cooking it, it's just you can't.

SPEAKER_01 7:21

Yeah, I can I can handle like it's mainly the seafood aspect of things. Like I can handle it all day. I just can't digest it. Gotcha.

SPEAKER_02 7:28

So then as far as let's take a step back and when you started when you lost your dad, you said you weren't very close. Is there like a reason? Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 7:38

Was it it's one of them it's one of them situations where you never know I never really know knew what it was.

SPEAKER_02 7:47

And it's probably because did you not just not feel close? Did you feel rejected?

SPEAKER_01 7:51

Did you Oh, I felt rejected, unclosed. I would see how he was with my younger sisters and he was with me.

SPEAKER_03 7:58

Like you're the oldest.

SPEAKER_01 7:59

Yes. And then like a lot of me misbehaving when I was because I was a I was a good kid, but random like randomly I would do really bad things. Like that. I stole their car when I was 14, drove wrecked all the things. I used to steal money out of the teacher's purse in school. Like I didn't and I that carried on for some months before she found out it was strange. I did it like three times a week. But anyway, got caught doing that and got caught drinking when I was younger. When I did do bad things, I didn't I did bad things.

SPEAKER_02 8:31

Like you went to the extreme of it.

SPEAKER_01 8:33

Like I was good, but it was just like out of nowhere, I would do something very bad. It was just like, where is this coming from? And I feel like as an adult now, I feel like a lot of it was because I never had attention from him. The only attention I got was when I was in trouble. There was many mornings where I'd wake up every and I would say good morning to him, he wouldn't say anything to me. Like in the same room, like you see me. Yeah. So it was just, and I never understood that. And there was been plenty of times where he'd be home, he'd gather my two younger sisters, take them somewhere, and I didn't even know they left. And he would come back with McDonald's and all types of stuff and things like that. And then it would hurt my feelings, like I was always in basketball. He had a night job, but my sisters and ever brownies and girl scouts and things like that. He showed up for more of their things than he ever did for mine. So it was just like, and I'm the firstborn, and I guess in the back of my mind, all those years, it was like, What did I do? Yeah. When it wasn't, it really wasn't anything. And it was just something that it was unexplained, took it to death. But I loved him for being that a support in our family. Like he was he was there, he was a present father, their good father. I learned a lot from him. You know what I'm saying? It's just the love and affection part of having a father was never there for me. So yeah, yeah, and to think about it though, to be fair, like both my parents weren't really affected. And you would think that when you come from a household with no affection, yeah, you would grow up to be unaffectionate. Yeah, and I'm highly affectionate. So it could go either way. I tell people I was like, either you're not gonna be or you're gonna be over, like you're gonna seek it from everyone elsewhere and all types of things. And that's where I was failing when getting into all these relationships. That's what I was seeking. I wasn't I wasn't picking the right people. Yeah, you're just wrinkled. I was like, oh, oh, they like me. Let me let me be with them, let me do anything I can to keep them and to make them happy. Because I always thought that maybe I wasn't making him happy, so it's like in my relationships, like maybe I wasn't doing enough. That's why my father didn't show affection. So in my relationship, I I overdo, I feel like. And that could be I feel like it could be a bad thing. Well, in hindsight, it should be a good thing. People should meet you where you are, but it was never like that.

SPEAKER_02 10:57

I think that I think if you're right, it can be a good and a bad thing, but I think when you're searching for it, it's because you're trying to go along. Yeah. So if you are just naturally an affectionate person, because that's the way I want you to love on people, then that's never gonna go away because that's a and I think that though, I think that gift, I think the enemy could have has been using that for his advantage by trying to almost like have you perform in relationships to earn you know what I mean? To be like, no, like I can be this person, I am lovable, and I can show you love and I can I can be this great, like you are a great person. You don't even have to you don't have to prove to anybody your love because you're worthy.

SPEAKER_01 11:38

Just who you are as I say, and then like I had to learn that. Like I'm learning it now. I feel like I never learned myself even at 46, like a lot of time has passed and like I'm I'm mad at myself. What are you back from? Uh Max I wasted so much time. I'm big on that. Don't waste my time, but then when I look at it like I wasted my own time. So I'm mad at myself. So I have to I have to love myself again.

unknown 12:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 12:09

I have to I have to like myself again. I have to undo that anger that I have towards myself so I can move on. It's like I have to unlock it. So right now in my life, like I just ended an engagement and and this is with somebody that I really thought that this is it. Like, you know how I was at work with this, like I posted the relationship. I was so I was so positive about it. Like I prayed on it and everything. And I just felt like things took a turn the way that they did for a reason. And I really feel like it was God that was just like you need to you need to be single. I need you to yourself. He wants you. Yeah, and like you, you, you come with me and like I've weirdly, this after this breakup, I've heard God's so clear.

SPEAKER_03 12:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 13:02

He's like voices in my head were screaming at me, and it was three different things that they keep they keep going in my head. Well, every time I wake up, like they're screaming at me just so I can stay on point. And it's like the no lust. Like he's screaming at to me, like, you need to be by yourself, don't seek nobody.

SPEAKER_03 13:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 13:21

It's all about rededication, you know what I'm saying? And being obedient. And then like at work now, recently the I've uh every station that I work when I work, like I'll draw a cross and I write three words. It'd be fire, steward, and disciple next to the cross. Because they always talk about the Bible always talks about Jesus and coming out of the fire, fire in his eyes, like the fire is the fire for people, the passion for people, and the love that he has for people. That's where the fire is for me. The steward, the steward is to show people who God is.

unknown 13:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 13:58

Yes, and the disciple is to bring them to God. So and it's just this whole season, this whole new chapter of my life is about obedience. Like this that that word is just like the title of this season, right? It's obedience. Yeah, but it's obedience, and I I have to be obedient, I have to do what I'm supposed to do. It's not gonna happen overnight, but every day I'm getting better. Yeah. So it and it's just like and he knows that I'm used to the loneliness because going through rehab, that was long. How many times have you been in rehab? Once. How long are you there? 48 days.

SPEAKER_02 14:36

Where was the rehab at?

SPEAKER_01 14:38

It was in Richmond.

unknown 14:39

Richmond what was called.

SPEAKER_01 14:40

It was called um it was the Forest Hill rehab.

SPEAKER_02 14:44

Was it like a Christian base rehab? No, no.

SPEAKER_01 14:48

No, it was let me tell you how I got there. So explain it. Well, let me just back up and get into the thick of it. So I had a cocaine addiction as well. Three years, I would just say about a good ten years. Good ten years. I was a I have an active cocaine user. But it was one it was like round 40. It took me to 40. I was just like, I don't want to do cocaine anymore. Good, okay. And this is when I was trying to do the whole little CDL thing, like, oh, because I'm gonna piss you and all these things, and it's just easier for you to this is just when I was just really like, okay, get the cocaine out of my life, okay, it's good stuff. But I'm still drinking. But then I would but in my head, like, this legal boom, boom, boom. And I wasn't and I was and I was a high functioning alcoholic. So I hate to use the word, it was more acceptable because of that, because I wasn't one of the belligerent, angry ones, you know what I'm saying? People didn't like the fact that I drank, but it was okay that I drank because I wasn't acting out. But they just seen what it was doing to my life. Alcohol took over my life. But I quit the cocaine of 40 on my own.

SPEAKER_02 16:07

Wow.

SPEAKER_01 16:09

Just stop.

SPEAKER_02 16:10

You're like, I just I don't understand.

SPEAKER_01 16:11

Yeah. And and like when I tell people did you go through or was it just weirdly no?

SPEAKER_02 16:18

Do you think it was because you went from one thing to another and you were able to No, I was drinking the whole time.

unknown 16:22

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 16:23

I've been drinking since I was 14. So alcohol, yeah. But that's like I started drinking and then it stopped. And then you did the you know, you do when you're in high school, you get a little casual crap at the parties. And then it was when you get to college, it was a whole different situation. Cause then you're around the the typical college I went to, it was all basically athletes. Like you went there to play a sport. Yeah, it was small. So then you had the the baseball team, they were whole parties, and it was just like, okay, you know what I'm saying? But it's still I was drinking, but I wasn't drinking like that. So it was just like the the Native Americans that I met during that time, I was they took drinking to a whole different level. That's when I was really introduced to binge drinking and stuff like that. And these are women, they were drinking like this, and it was just it impressed me. I was just like, what is going on? This is what Native Americans do. So not all Native Americans, but the ones that I was introduced to, I just know a lot of Native Native Americans put it away. Yeah. But um so then it when got so when I got home after my father died, and then it was like I was drinking, it's drinking, and then it went from liquor to beer, back to the beer. Yeah, yeah, we take the take the alcohol to work, hide it, hide it in the trash can, hide in the trash can in the bathroom, go go to the bathroom, I guzzle half of the 40, put it back in the trash can, and go back on the line. Or I used to wear these high boots, I used to stick a fist in a boot. Or we have cups online, yeah. I put my gin in there, it looks like water. You know what I'm saying? Like people to this day, many managers of walking by my cup not knowing that there was something in it, but anyway. And then that's when I started losing job after job from being alcoholic just going downhill.

SPEAKER_03 18:12

How would you lose your job?

SPEAKER_01 18:16

Somebody would catch me drinking.

SPEAKER_03 18:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 18:18

And I feel like it was God doing it on purpose. It was because it was just it was just weird because I was I was doing it for so long and all of a sudden it was like someone caught me at this job drinking. Next job, someone caught me at this job drinking. It's just like what's going on? And and the thing is the thing is it's like I always knew I had a problem. The problem was always recognized. It's just in my head, I felt like I couldn't get to rehab. Like a lot of other people think that rehab is only for rich people.

SPEAKER_03 18:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 18:53

And when I got into rehab, I was like, yo, I could have been here a long time ago. But oh, because you probably yeah, I thought I could I I researched. I was like, this rehab, this is a calling, emailing, how much is it? Boom, boom, boom, trying to figure out every option, but I didn't know that because I've never had to strip myself before down to nothing to go into the assistance world thing, like to have the state help you. Yeah. I've never been through that situation before, so I was crying, I was like 4142. I was crying in the basement, in a room. Like I used to dwell in that basement for a long time in my house where I live at. I live in the basement and um literally a hundred to eleven bottles in my room. This is how this is the state of depression that I was in. When you get when you get into that type of stuff, when you get down, when you get down that low, your hygiene is effective. Health, your surrounding, you you really just don't care. You really you really just getting up in the morning just doing line. You're just existing at this point.

SPEAKER_02 20:12

Well, I mean, and to be honest, like we're opening doors, like as a spiritual aspect of things, you you're you have so many things that you're fighting. Yeah, and like those are open doors to just demons to just be bread-free in your head and community.

SPEAKER_01 20:27

Yeah, I find I'm knocking demons out every day. Every day silently. This is something that I started just recently, and I told somebody else to do this too. I was just like, when people ask you, are you okay? And if you're not okay, say you're not okay. Yeah, because that's therapy. Yeah, it helps me.

SPEAKER_03 20:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 20:46

Tell me you're not okay. Like, I'm not okay, but I'm gonna be okay. Yeah, and keep it moving. Because like once you release it out, once you can put it out in the earliest, no, I'm not okay. No, I'm not okay. Yeah, it does something, it really s subdues it a little bit. Like it does, it really does, you know what, because someone did check on you. Don't lie, no, I'm not okay.

SPEAKER_03 21:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 21:06

Because then that person, you never know what that person's gonna do, and could be for you. He could be that person could be someone that could pray for you during your situation. Like, just if you're not okay, you're not okay. It's okay to say that you're not okay. Yeah, and it really does help. So, but like back to getting in the rehab, it was just I was there crying. My my baby sister Victoria called her, she was upstairs. She could hear my voice. I was like, Yeah, I can't take it anymore. Like, I gotta figure this out, like I gotta go, like I gotta go, like I'm home for it. So she comes down there, and there was this lady that used to work at Texas for a while, her name was Shelly. And she was like the mama bear of Texas. She goes to our church by point. Shelly works at the church, she's involved with the church scene, she knows somebody at the church, at the church. So I was like, okay. So I called Shelly. I was like, Shelly, like, this is what I'm trying to do. You know anybody that can help me? And she's like, I do know someone. So she called that person. She said, I'm gonna call this person, I'm gonna call you right back. She's called me back in like five minutes. Oh good. She got me back. She was like, This is what you do. You gotta go to the spotsy hospital. And you gotta admit yourself in New York, tell them you have a drinking barbell, and then she wanna detox.

unknown 22:19

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 22:20

Then I said and I was like, okay, then why? She was like, then social worker's gonna come see you, boo, boo, boo, you're gonna go to rehab. I was like, just like that. So this is what she told me to do it. I was like, okay, so I think I wanna say it's like a Monday or Tuesday. So I got my affairs in order because I knew like this was gonna so I said that Friday, it was September 2nd, 2022. Nine triple twos, my last day that I have all. And I went into detox. I even crushed two, four locals before I went in there. Like because I knew this was gonna be a long day. Because the DTs is real, you know what I'm saying? So um I'm sitting in there. My my sister and my mommy dropped me off. That's when everything kicked in. Like sitting in there with the IVs all day long, so I got a bed on the fifth floor. And all the thoughts are going ahead, it's like like what were you what what were those thoughts?

SPEAKER_02 23:22

What what did you think?

SPEAKER_01 23:23

Because to be to be childish, I was thinking, who's gonna be there on the other hand? Am I gonna lose my friend? I might be cool. Like, you know what I'm saying? Am I still gonna be like normal thoughts that you're gonna and then it's like I re I wasn't scared because it was something that I wanted. I wasn't it I didn't have scared feelings. It was just like I didn't know like what I was really worried about is like because you know how you see those videos where people get clear, they're like, get out of the bed, it's good on and all these things, and I was like, Am I gonna do that? Yeah. So I get into it. Detox is like seven days. I was only like seven, nine days because I was going to rehab from there. They was like, Do you want to go home for us? No, no, I want to go rehab from here. And then what made it worse is because it's Foxy has both the the sheets is right across the street, so I can see it.

unknown 24:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 24:21

There's a window, and it was just like, oh my god. I know about I know my leading here going straight over there, like straight over there.

SPEAKER_02 24:30

So I was like, um in this armor, you ever like seeking Jesus or were you ever just I gotta do this for myself?

SPEAKER_01 24:37

No, I was always seeking Jesus. Like you're always like praying for help, but Jesus Jesus was always there. I gotta save during alcoholism. Still going to church every Sunday as an alcoholic. And Jesus is always there, man.

SPEAKER_02 24:48

Yeah, I know it's so good. Well, and I think that's important to hear because I think that some people No, I'm not saying that Jesus was supportive my alcoholism. I'm just saying he was definitely not.

SPEAKER_01 24:58

I'm explaining the high functionality of my alcoholism.

SPEAKER_02 25:02

It's beautiful because I think a lot of people they avoid when like, oh, I still believe in Jesus, but I I drink all the time and I and I do all the time. But at the same time, listen, I don't care what you're going through, I don't hear the word because at the end of the day, like those are seeds that are being planted inside of you. And I don't care, we're not there for other people to judge. We are we cannot judge, like we have no authority, we have no rights to judge anybody. And so I think that it's beautiful that you're like, no, I was still going to church, I was still I'm still gonna be the Lord, I'm still seeking Jesus, um, I'm still praying, and um, and I but and I think to be honest, he saved you from so many things.

SPEAKER_01 25:49

He did, especially from especially from a car accident that I had had, like, I was supposed to die.

unknown 25:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 25:57

Baby girl, no, like and I and I'm not even a seat though. Where this day I was wearing my seat, though. Oh, yes, I was yes, I was drinking while I was driving, but that wasn't the reason why I crashed. I crashed because I was looking at a text message and I wasn't paying attention and I smacked inside into into a park bulldozer situation.

SPEAKER_02 26:19

Oh my gosh, how fast were you going?

SPEAKER_01 26:22

Like 40, 45?

SPEAKER_02 26:24

That's enough.

SPEAKER_01 26:24

Like it's on Brad Road, like going towards going into Central Park. But like, yeah, and all and I hit the back of my head. So when I hit the windshield, I hit it like this. So I had a big seatbelt bruise. That hurts. That hurt worse than that. Wow, I believe it hurts. Like that, uh a deep seatbelt bruise that hurts, maybe. Yeah, possibly dressed and everything. Yeah. But um, so during those seven, nine days when I was detoxing, they have opportunities to mature, so have A that comes in, they have different groups, yoga, stuff like that, to activities. You e you can get on the phone, they give you your meds, like a detox myth and all that. So it's like when they give you your detox, when they give you the medication that detox is different than the medication that they give you.

SPEAKER_02 27:16

Like explain, explain that. What did they give you at the hospital? Is it like gallopensin? Or is that what they give?

SPEAKER_01 27:23

No, it I I don't remember these words about, but it's the type of medicine they give you to wean you.

SPEAKER_03 27:28

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 27:29

Right?

unknown 27:29

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 27:30

So then when you so then I get to so now here I am, it's it's time to go to rehab. So I'm like, I'm backing up on my stuff, getting in the and they Ubered me from the hospital to Richmond, which is great. So I get there, don't know what to expect. I'm just like, all right, here we go, right? So now mind you, during this process from the medication, the detox and everything, I was highly conservative. Like I was conservated for two days. Like, this will work. It took like three, four days for it to all pass out. But anyway, that's when it really started to hit me. Like, I'm about to go through this. I'm really about to go through it. So then I get to rehab, give me all the rules, show me my room. They they allowed me to live in the room by myself for other female comfortability, which was fine with me. I had TV, I still had access to my phone, but it was just like them first couple of days I didn't have everything I I needed. I needed some towels and certain clothes, certain hygiene things. And this is when I'm starting to freak out. Because now this is the only type of medicine they're giving you now. It's just to control your withdrawals. All that other good stuff from Digital's and I get it everything.

SPEAKER_03 28:44

Oh, okay, okay.

SPEAKER_01 28:46

Now this is yeah, so now so the first week, this is why when you go to rehab, that first week is just observational. They watch you, get a costume, because they know you're about to go through it. And the second week you start the classes and all those things. You get the cool the tools to stay clean. Okay. So those first something days was like I'm calling them people, I'm freaking out. But my withdrawal is coming through manic and anger, and like, oh my god, I don't have what I need. I'm just in this place. It's just like because I was no, everyone's listening, but it's just like I'm freaking out because I'm living my life without alcohol. I can feel like hands crawling through my body trying to find the alcohol because that's how dependent on alcohol I was. Like I really couldn't do like when I got out of rehab and I went trying to go back to work. This was after six months after I got out of rehab. Still trying to go back to work, and I really it took me a while to get my body right and my mental right to function, to work, work to get like like I'm about to pass out, like I'd be in sweat. I can only work for 45 minutes, that's down. This is me coming back to Texas when I was third time. It took a while, but it took a couple months I get fully back into it. So that was scary, and then my heart has shrunk. I had to get that back. Liver was messed up a little bit. Got that back right.

SPEAKER_02 30:16

What was the possible getting that? Just being sober? Were you on took a medication?

SPEAKER_01 30:20

Um, there was a medication, there's a medication that a cardiologist gave me to get my heart healthy again. It wasn't a serious situation, but serious enough that we need to do something about that.

SPEAKER_02 30:31

So while you were in detox, they now do they like, or was this all from the hospital, um, examining everything?

SPEAKER_01 30:40

Oh yeah, full physical, okay, blood screening, the whole thing. They checked you from the root to the to the COVID test, all types of things.

SPEAKER_02 30:48

So they so just full-on physical, so they knew what your health was from the inside outside.

SPEAKER_01 30:53

And then you're gonna fully assess you and know what to do with you. Yeah. So your proper proper detox.

SPEAKER_02 30:59

So like if you had heart issues or if you were diabetic or if you were what you have blood pressure, they knew how to maneuver.

SPEAKER_01 31:05

Yeah. And then like rehab helped me a lot, like I was because going through detox and stripping myself, that's how I got on Medicaid Medicaid, right? And that's where Medicaid paid for the rehab. So that so then it was clicked on me and I was like, you know what many people don't know that? Yeah. You only know this through a court system when the when the judge sends you the rehab.

unknown 31:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 31:27

They didn't know if you did XYZ, you could go.

SPEAKER_02 31:30

Yeah. I don't think a lot of people knew that. I didn't know that.

SPEAKER_01 31:33

Yeah. I So this is so so then it then the light bob had this is what I need to do. I need to help people like me get there. And if you have to strip yourself all the way down, it's okay because it's a rebirth, it's a start over.

SPEAKER_03 31:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 31:46

I did it. You know what I'm saying? I never wanted I didn't know how far I was gonna take this this rebirth.

unknown 31:53

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 31:53

I didn't know it was gonna I didn't know I was gonna be here four years later. No like here. It was just and like they tell you while you're in rehab, they're like they they tell you they'd be sure to and and my facilitators I have some I have one that's been in the streets. Okay. By my main my main I forgot his name, but he was seventy-seven years old, Abby. Sharpest of tickets, but he was in 35 years of addiction.

SPEAKER_03 32:24

I was with the best counselors.

SPEAKER_01 32:26

And he was in IB had 12 god.

unknown 32:28

Wow.

SPEAKER_01 32:30

He was honest, he was very transparent. He'd tell you how you treat women, how you got the money to get his drugs, like all types of use women here and all that. He's a little cat daddy, you know what I'm saying? But yeah, and then we had this one white woman, like she was just real, like she kept it real. Cause she has this one girl in class one day, she was like, if you want to get high one night and your main dude ain't answering the phone, you just going to sleep. And the girl was like, Yeah, she was like, You're a liar. She was like, You're a liar, you ain't going to sleep. You're gonna find somebody else, you're gonna go get it. She was just like the point of shoot the point of that exercise is like, yo, be real about your addiction. Yeah. Because you live in your addiction. Yeah, you don't have to lie about it. We we're all addicts and we all know you were an addict. What type of addict were you? Let's get to the bottom of it. So she was like, you gotta be honest about this guy. And but they tell you they was like, hey, when should we get acclimated back into the life to life? Like, job, whatever have you, and it was like six months. I was like, What? Because you know me, I'm a worker. I was like, what do you mean? I was like, what are you talking about? She was like, No, you didn't give yourself six months to get your mind right. Sit in the house. Don't do anything, don't worry about working. Get used to the fact that get used to the fact that you're out with your free will. And what are you gonna do with this? This is the time to train your mind, continue to do everyday activities within the household, like, and like with me, it was harder. And people in the people in the rehab, they'll tell you the alcohol, and there's only four of us, there's only four alcoholics. Everybody else on the harder drugs, people think are the harder drugs. Alcohol is the harder drug, it's more accepted, it's more accessible for us. We can't go in a gas station, we can't go in the store, a restaurant, anything. We're triggered commercials, we triggered the thing that triggers me is like when I go into when I go into a grocery store and I go and happen to pass by the alcoholic, like all of you stuff. I was like, dang, I wanna know what that is like. And then I just keep going. So you get behind me saying no, it's just a thought, and I just keep it moving. It's like, dang, they got always and then you gotta be more careful now because like mock tails, I be nervous to get a mock tail or go to a bar, whatever. Like I have a friend taste a drink first before I drink it. Because to me, even if alcohol passes this threshold, it's a relapse in my mind, even though it's an accident. I'm not gonna be able to deal with it. Like it's gonna mentally freak me out, like that I can be honest with myself about. So, and people think, no, then if it count, and I was like, no, like I don't I don't know if there is rules on relapse, like you know what I'm saying? Like, but to me, that's my rule. It freaks me out to know that I wasted all this time. It's my it's my sobriety time that is most precious to me. It's my days.

SPEAKER_02 35:36

I want to you know what I want to try to help you change that mindset and like wasted all this time because no time is wasted, but also you're right, you're right, because I do that all the time.

SPEAKER_01 35:48

I always I always think my bad, like, oh I wasted my time doing that, oh wasted my time, and that's where my anger, that's where my anger comes from. So it's just like But no, like it This time around this this third rock bottom where am I today? Like I'm not I'm not gonna consider this wasted time, I'm not gonna mess up. And I know that there's and I tell people to there may or may not be life events that come across that may cause you to relax. Like major deaths in a family, like stuff like that. Hopefully I'll be able to sustain those situations because I haven't been brought into like I could go in the bar, I can sit at the bar, I could hold a drink.

SPEAKER_03 36:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 36:27

And I don't think twice about it. But I feel like certain life situations may or may not.

SPEAKER_03 36:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 36:38

Yeah. Like it probably had to take something like that if I were to consider relapsing.

SPEAKER_03 36:44

But yeah, not we're just not gonna consider the relapse. We're just gonna be able to do that.

SPEAKER_01 36:47

Yeah, but you gotta be real with yourself too with this with this alcohol and addiction thing. Because there's not a lot of people like me that don't want to die.

unknown 36:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 36:54

I mean, to be honest, like I know this is not a ball, but like I know I struggled my my food with cookie and how like there's I always put food for everything. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 37:08

Like to be gluttonous is it could be a problem.

SPEAKER_02 37:11

Like And I can't eat healthy two days a week and unhealthy five days a week and expect enough steward in my body, you know?

SPEAKER_01 37:21

Like I'm okay.

SPEAKER_02 37:22

Yeah, like I know I can't go ahead and buy um a bag of cookies and just have one.

SPEAKER_01 37:27

Like it's not gonna happen.

SPEAKER_02 37:29

No. And so I don't just I don't buy them. I won't buy them. Um, and so I mean that's a very little comparison to what you're you know talking about, but I can understand how you're like, I'm not, I can't put myself in situations right, or I'm just I'm not gonna do it because I don't know. And like for me personally, I'm not that I can have just one bike person. Or I can I'm not I'm not that person.

SPEAKER_01 37:53

That's a whole different level of self-control. Like 'cause I know if I ever drink whoever is. Because I know because I know if I ever drink again, I'm gonna die. I won't take it to a whole because I was already at a high level of consumption. And then I'm gonna even take it even further. Because even when I was in rehab, the people in rehab were like they wasn't understanding how high functioning I was on the consumption that I had. They were surprised.

SPEAKER_02 38:25

What was your high what would you explain?

SPEAKER_01 38:28

At the end of my alcoholism, I consume two gallons of two eleven a day. That's why. When some people can't even get through one or two forties in a day of 211. I'm drinking six to eight. Like I got it. And I'm and you know how we at night when you get up and you're thirsty, you reach for water. No one reached it from 211. When you wake up in the morning, I never had no water, no juice, no nothing. Like if I went if I had a value meal and had a drink in it, I give the drink away. Cause I had my beer. Like it was like I didn't want nothing to drink with my 211 or some type of alcohol. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 39:12

That's crazy.

SPEAKER_01 39:14

Yeah. And they were the doctors and stuff were even shocked that like physically that I wasn't bad off. They really thought my liver's gonna be shy. They got the worst of me just based off the consumption that I told them. They knew they had a a pre- they had a pre yeah, they had a pre-assessment of me, like, oh, we're about to find some bad stuff going on inside my body, and it wasn't even that bad. They were they were shocked. They were like, there's no way. Yeah, they was like there and I drank like that for a long time.

SPEAKER_03 39:46

Three years.

SPEAKER_01 39:46

Like a long time. And like before, before that 211 stint, it was straight liquor, straight gin, like bottles, no chaser. Like I'm clearing liters, half gallons in a day. And no. Like I you can tell I was drinking, I'd be nice, but I wasn't like falling all over the place, none of that, none of that. And I have witness to it. This is not a braggadocious moment, but like you really didn't know I was drinking unless you smoked it in or saw me drink. Under that consumption. Were you under that consumption? If I'm if it could be four o'clock in the in the afternoon, and I'll be like, yeah, I already have four.

unknown 40:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 40:30

I already have four forties, or I already drank a liter. And you wouldn't have known. You wouldn't have known. You would like, what are you talking about? Yeah.

unknown 40:39

Wow.

SPEAKER_01 40:39

Just clear and stuff. Be the first online at the ABC store in the morning. As soon as I woke up in the morning at the gas station.

SPEAKER_02 40:46

How much money were you spending at After 4?

SPEAKER_01 40:49

I mean two eleven. She get the two for five. So and if I'm doing eight a day, it's like twenty bucks.

SPEAKER_02 40:57

That's a lot. Twenty times seven. That's 140 bucks. Right?

SPEAKER_03 41:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 41:03

A week. And that's not including anything else. That's not including the food. That's not including the liquor bottles. That's not including gas. That's that's just off of alcohol.

SPEAKER_01 41:13

Yep. And then back when I was doing that's over.

SPEAKER_02 41:17

That's a part of it.

SPEAKER_01 41:18

And back when I was doing cocaine with it, and when I was doing cocaine, that was liquor. So I'm buying like ten, fifteen dollar bottles a day with a forty, forty, eighty bag a day. And you are working your functioning? Mm-hmm. Yeah, and then like and that's the thing, I mean there's a lot of people out there like there's some that you can tell that they on something got a problem, and you got some that are high functioning. You would never know. Like those movies that they show you with like Flight with Denzel Washington, how he was high functioning when he was and they you see the difference between how he was on drugs? Yeah, how he was like, Yeah, he's with it when he wasn't on drugs, and he was like this. You know what I'm saying? So that's how it was for me. I was alone in my room or whatever. I'm just sipping by myself. They don't want to change? Oh, that's therapy. That's you gotta go talk to somebody. Because you gotta want to change. If you if you're down that bad and you don't want to change, that's internal. You can't you can't have Jesus if you feel like that. Those people need to be brought to God.

SPEAKER_03 42:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 42:33

They've got to be brought to God. And I'm just God that I never strayed away from God, that I didn't give up on God, and I'm so thankful God didn't give up on me. But it's just like and like I know what that look looks like when someone is lost. The look of someone who needs direction, and that's where I've come in. Like during inside of my sobriety, I brought six people to recover.

SPEAKER_03 42:54

That's so good.

SPEAKER_01 42:55

And this is without a license, without whatever. It's just it's just a call to God and me to be able to resource people or just people just looking at my life.

unknown 43:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 43:05

There's so many times I get multiple I get a few DMs from people who see me grow up and see my life and the stuff that I post now and that see my life turn.

unknown 43:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 43:13

I've inspired them. Like I've changed life based off inspiration. It's like your opinion can do it, I can do it, and they're doing it. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 43:24

And I don't know what's going on.

SPEAKER_01 43:25

And it's just like and it's just the things that I'm posting that I see from other people that I'm reposting, yeah. It's hitting these people.

SPEAKER_03 43:33

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 43:33

Like they hit me to repost it. So I'm just thinking well, I could be a steward in that in that direction.

SPEAKER_02 43:40

I Well me and I think that's important that God is gonna use anybody, truly. And I think that you've made it very clear, you know, like there's multiple times that you should have died and he still has you here for a reason. And the fact that you've already been able to bring people to rehab and to and and to Christ. Um, I mean You're a vessel.

SPEAKER_01 44:00

Like you're yeah, and that and that's all that's all I'm trying to be. I'm just like like I'm a firm believer like if I can do it, I can do it. Yeah. And if I know I accomplish these things, like anybody can do it. And I feel like and and and that's a part of my and that's a part of my anger that I gotta deal with because I have high expectations. Like having high expectations can cause severe anger and it doesn't mean and something that I'm working on, me, my therapist, but it's just like I need to stop that. So and like I always hear, well, not everybody's you, honey. And I thought, yeah, and I'm not dumb either. But we all have the same 24 hours.

SPEAKER_02 44:40

High expectations is what?

SPEAKER_01 44:44

It's like basically like if I did it, you can do it. I don't care what circumstances you're under, I don't care about none of that. Because I was under certain circumstances too, and I got out of it. You gotta get you have to want to get out of it. You have to stop complaining. If you're complaining about something, change it. If you complain about the same thing every day, just like I I complain about drinking, how I complain about being in this situation, losing job after job, just being low like it. Yeah. I didn't want that anymore. Like you gotta if you if you know you don't want it, if you know you don't like it, change it.

SPEAKER_02 45:18

Well, some people don't even they here's the thing.

SPEAKER_01 45:21

And I get it, they'd be like, Oh, I'm not ready, I'm not ready. I don't want to hear you complain.

SPEAKER_02 45:26

You gotta meet people with that, Penny.

SPEAKER_01 45:29

I am. I think about it, I am.

SPEAKER_02 45:32

So then where okay.

SPEAKER_01 45:33

If you're not if you if you tell me I'm not ready, stop complaining about it. I'm meeting you where you're at. You're you're not ready, okay? Stop talking about it.

SPEAKER_02 45:42

So then what are you doing?

SPEAKER_01 45:44

When you're when you're ready, then we can do this. But if you're complaining about it and you're telling me you're not ready, I'm meeting you where you're at, you're not ready, okay? Because I'm not talking about you're not ready. But I'm I'm I'm you're looking at me and you see the other side of it. Yeah. If you don't want this, if you're not ready to have this, we're not gonna talk about it because that there we go. We're talking about time being wasted. Because I still gotta live my life. And I can I can use this slide that I was gonna use for you for something who's ready. Yeah. You have to be ready. We gotta work. People don't want to work.

SPEAKER_02 46:14

I don't even think people are ever ready to like fully do it. I think they're ready to just get out of the light to like, you know, something's gotta change, I'm gonna start with this change, you know. And so if it's like I don't I'm not ready to give this up, but I'm ready to be happy. So what steps can I take? You know what I mean? It's like, all right, well, let's just go to the hospital and see where you're see where your body's at.

SPEAKER_01 46:34

And that's what I and that's what I tell them. I always always give them steps. Oh, I always give them steps. Always give them steps. Penny, what did you do?

SPEAKER_03 46:41

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 46:42

I well I've always had God, do you have that?

unknown 46:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 46:45

And okay, if you're not one if you're not a believer, if you're ready, go detox. That was the next step.

SPEAKER_03 46:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 46:52

I can show you where to go. Are you ready to go? Because we can go tomorrow.

SPEAKER_02 46:55

We go today.

SPEAKER_01 46:56

We can go right now.

SPEAKER_02 46:58

I'm gonna work on this.

SPEAKER_01 46:59

Oh yeah. How how many days do you need? Get your affairs. I'll take you.

SPEAKER_02 47:03

Yeah, that's so good though.

SPEAKER_01 47:05

I all the brain. So here here I am. White flag. I see I'm coming on my white horse. You ready to go?

unknown 47:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 47:14

If you're not ready, um my horse is leaving. Me and my horse are leaving.

unknown 47:20

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 47:20

You gotta you you gotta want this. I'm gonna say the same thing. I'm like, are you ready? Because you came to me, you came to me with this three weeks ago. You ready?

SPEAKER_02 47:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 47:30

Cause it 'cause they need to know how they need to know how serious this is.

SPEAKER_02 47:34

Well what if they come to you like about the tenth time and they'll find you're like, I've heard this before, and they're like, I'm ready this time. Are you gonna you're gonna be open arms?

SPEAKER_01 47:42

Yeah, let's get in the car. Okay, good.

SPEAKER_02 47:43

That's so good.

SPEAKER_01 47:44

You ready to go get your bag?

SPEAKER_02 47:45

Because some people are like, no, I'm trying to help you.

SPEAKER_01 47:48

Call your mom, call your kids, call your girl. Yeah, other way around, call your man. What you ready? Let's go.

unknown 47:53

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 47:54

But still a good you can come to me as many times.

unknown 47:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 47:57

When I ask you, are you ready? And you're like, I'm not ready. Okay. You're not you're not ready. You gotta be ready. This is only gonna work if you're ready. It's only gonna work. You cannot have buttons stuff. You gotta be ready to go. That's the only way you're gonna accept the change is life. Yeah, you gotta be w wide open to it. You can't be one foot in.

SPEAKER_02 48:19

Were you ever has anybody like during your time, did they offer rehab to your court?

SPEAKER_01 48:25

No.

SPEAKER_02 48:26

You were never offered rehab?

SPEAKER_01 48:27

No.

SPEAKER_02 48:28

You were never offered help?

SPEAKER_01 48:30

No, we didn't know how to do it. We everyone around me. No one I knew. It was all court ordered. You had to been in trouble and stuff like that. Nobody, everyone was thinking like I thought. Like you'd be surprised how many people think like I did that rehab is only for the rich. People didn't people, this is why it's so important for me to get this out and to help others find a way to it. Granted, it's like people need to know that help is easier than you thought it was.

SPEAKER_02 48:58

But there's also there's not a lot of people that are g that have the help that is rooted in Christ. A lot of it is rooted in worldly, which I mean we we're all we're in this world, but what I'm saying is that the foundation because true freedom and true healing comes from Christ. And when people try to do it on own and light enough of it, we fall short every single time. But it's like the addiction part, like I tell people like the alcohol, the drugs, and stuff like that, yes, it's true, but that's the surface of what you see that you are trying to like lose and what you what your body is trying, like what you're trying to cover up. And like a lot, that's why I asked me again, like you face like rejection, and you face annoyingness, and you build that is a coping mechanism to try to fill that hold that rejection has caused. And so sometimes I don't even realize it to be older. Like I didn't really realize I suffer, I mean I suffer, I suffer, but I went through so much rejection until I got older and I realized that the patterns and the habits and the choices that I made all to be like truly I just want to love, and it's a lack of identity who are right, it's a lack of queer foundation, like your heavenly father. I mean because you say that it's like you know what I mean, and like that would be a wrong, but that still has nothing to do with the person and often what's wrong with me. How come I'm not that how come you're doing this for them and not meeting no one at the same time? That's a hard posture on that person. That's not a reflection of who you are, of your value, of your word, of your identity.

SPEAKER_01 50:50

And I'm glad I didn't let that situation divide me. So I just I just I just I just took the Heavenly Father and just replaced it right there. Yeah I feel like that's what it is. I knew that the Heavenly Father is always there.

SPEAKER_03 51:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 51:03

But not necessarily in the physical, but like, yeah, so But But he he provided the Holy Spirit resides in us, like so and it's just and like when you when you you meet these people in rehab, I say to myself a lot too, but like doing the classes in rehab, you learn how those people got to rehab. And one thing that saddened me the most about people is a lot of it was ultimatum. You mean like their choices? Like you either come. For instance, okay, think about intervention. Everyone's coming together with their leather, do this or else. Do this or else. So it's like if you don't do this, I'm turning my back on you. And then some major rehab of Florida that costs $40,000 a month, comes and snatch your loved one up and they take them out there. You're seeing that on national TV that it's only for the rich or only for TV. You don't you don't see real episodes of people getting shirt down and have to go to the system to get to rehab, you don't see the real rawness of that type of rehab. And then people look at those type of rehabs, like the rehab I went to as lesser than because they're not as nice and as capable as the other ones, but you still learn the same lessons. Yeah. I feel like if you to me, if you do a rehab the way that I did it, it's real life. Yeah. If you're gonna be as high price, Hollywood style rehabs, like you still you already oh I'm gonna relax for a whole while. But you're you're not necessarily with like-minded people. I was with some like-minded people. You know what I'm saying? Like a lot of them had to it was a lot of it was court ordered and then to be to be honest, there was more people of my age or higher in rehab than there was younger people.

SPEAKER_03 53:05

That's good. That's so good though.

SPEAKER_01 53:07

Is it?

SPEAKER_02 53:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 53:08

No, is it why?

SPEAKER_02 53:10

Why would you not think so?

SPEAKER_01 53:12

No, because it was 40s, 50s, and 60s going to rehab trying to change my. Yeah, I know it's never too late, but but you think about it. I I understand what you're I understand. You know what I mean? But to me, hearing their testimonies, I'm staring at a 62-year-old man who's never had a job, a bank account, an apartment, nothing. He just he just I can I can make all that stuff within the last year. It was like at 62. So it so it took it took that man to his 60s to get his life together. When if he had the proper resources, maybe when it happened when he was early in his life, I don't know. His early story. No, these people are alone. Right. They go they go to homes, they go to they get out of there, they go to these programs and they get these houses to live alone. Like, getting clean is long. That's why God takes a big toll. We don't put if you don't put God in this thing, you're not you making it on the other end is it's gonna be rough.

unknown 54:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 54:19

Because he's gonna get you through loneliness.

SPEAKER_03 54:22

But I think it's a he speaks to us so much when he's gonna be able to do it.

SPEAKER_01 54:25

Yeah, he does. I think and I think But nobody but the thing is nobody prepares you for that. And that is it's hard. A lot of addicts.

SPEAKER_02 54:33

Well, how do you really prepare for somebody?

SPEAKER_01 54:35

Yeah. They'll tell you what's gonna it's gonna happen, but when you experience it, when you send in it, it's When I think a lot of people, I think the world teaches us well, first of all, move, move, move, move.

SPEAKER_02 54:48

Stay busy. Stay busy, yes. Uh but so at the same time, sitting, I don't think any looking back when I was younger, I don't think anybody had really taught me to sit in what I was feeling to process it. It was always just get over it. It's gonna be okay, don't listen to the bullies, they're just jealous. Like all of the things that want to say and encourage you. But at the same time, nobody sat and with me and was like, what are you truly feeling right now that you're so down? Sit in this. I think it's healthy to sit in whatever it is. It's also very uncomfortable because it's like, bro, what is this? And I think that's that's what I'm saying.

SPEAKER_01 55:28

I'm doing that right now.

SPEAKER_02 55:29

Yeah. And I think the past two years, especially for me, like getting going to school, God intentionally placed me to be alone. So like my daughter was like, Mom, I'm making everybody know that that's your prayer closet right there. But like the amount of tears and the amount of on my knees face down that I have left in there, um, like yes, man. I'm like, man, I'm not alone. And so, but then God would just the fresh revelation you get from just sitting in it. I mean, that's how I this is where the podcast is.

SPEAKER_01 55:59

This is where Yeah, and this and this is where here this is where all my ideas are coming up, Lisa.

SPEAKER_02 56:04

It's just like because if you're busy, you're not you don't hear, you can't speak to him, whisper. God speaks in a in the quietness.

SPEAKER_01 56:12

Or or he does like no love. I'm like, okay, I'm right. I got another minute, I got another minute, I got it. I'm speaking to me. I swear to the lady's been speaking to me, lady is just like a community.

SPEAKER_02 56:29

I'm gonna be like, I have a friend that um you have to speak to him a little rough, and so man, I swear the whole experience be like, boy, you don't cut, you don't swear, push we're not swearing. Yeah, but like But that's how it feels no seriously like when I was in my moments, I remember just praying for like if you don't get it together, child come here. I said I love you.

SPEAKER_01 56:50

Yeah, I feel like after this, I did I did this this relationship. He's like, alright, now cut it up. Be still. It's my turn, your way's not working.

SPEAKER_03 57:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 57:01

But I don't I don't I don't regret any of my relationships. I've learned something from each one of them. One, I've learned the difference between loyalty and commitment. Explain that people can people people can be loyal, people can have your back, but in a relationship and I they may not commit just solitary to just you. You know what I'm saying? I can call you, you have my back, I'll buy some money, hey. I need you, whatever. That's loyalty, but I just need all of you just for myself, the commitment. Some people have a problem with that, and then I learned and learned boundaries, I learned what boundaries are, the importance of boundaries, who to put first, and all these things they're they're preparing me to be a great partner because I feel like I'm not all the way a great partner yet. I do have a lot of qualities, but I just feel like this time around right here, me being by myself, like it's needed, I'm ready for this next step of my life. I just want to see, like I have a lot of goals for 27. So I just want to get I just want to get them long. I just want to do all the right steps. Take my time. I want to take my time, make sure everything is right. So at the end of all this, it's just it's just glorious. This the end of this most of my accomplishments just is just to show my family it can be done. They've never had that.

SPEAKER_03 58:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 58:32

I'll be the first to graduate. I'm gonna hopefully get this business started. See these things, see, so so the young kids can see, all right, I want this, it can happen. I see it in my family, and not just other people's family, but it happens in my family too.

SPEAKER_02 58:45

So we're gonna speak life into it because I believe the business, I believe in your LLC, I believe where you want to take it. Um, I believe that even though we don't see, I heard this the other day, and it was so beautiful, and the pastor was talking about how she had planted a plum tree, and for three years nothing bloomed. And she was like, This next year, we're gonna see blue. I'm gonna see plums on my tree, I'm gonna be I'm gonna be taking them off, like there is going to be a harvest. Well, then she was saying how um there was a really bad winter, and there was a lot of sure, like harsh, it was a beautiful winter, um, but at the end of it, it was also a really harsh winter because a lot of her plants died. Or her palm tree survived still. And there was still there was no blossoms, but there was still life in it. So she rejoiced because of the life in this palm tree, knowing that eventually it's going to produce a harvest and it's eventually gonna blossom. And she said, but right now, uh there's no blossom in recovery because we can celebrate that there's still life in it because we know God is working starting up and he's in the middle of it, and he's going to improve things and strengthen things and get things out of there and rehydrate, you know, and and do a good work inside of you so the fruit is evident that of the life and of the work and of the you know, the stuff that took place. And I think that it was beautiful because I think that the Lord um like I I think I remember talking to you about this nonprofit break, like years ago and how I but I finally I remember when I paid for like paid all of the things it was in a time in my life where like I had the finances to do it, so I did it. And then it was like, okay, be still, I'm not ready for you to play. But I was eager, like, where's come on Lord, let's go. And it wasn't time yet. And then I did my first um and then I found out my my dad, um, he actually got his seventh D UI last year. And that just hit me different, and it was just like honestly, it kind of broke me. And it I I felt so I felt so bad for him. Granted it wasn't like uh it was belligerent or nothing like that, but it was Does he suffer from alcoholism?

SPEAKER_01 1:00:55

Yeah. Do you feel like? Oh, for sure, yes.

SPEAKER_02 1:00:58

Uh my as my whole family, I feel like there's some there's something in I'm not gonna say my whole family, the majority of my family there is um to drugs, alcohol, and each other with ridiculous. So like when he's you said seven, what is he sweating and what no, but uh this is the sort and here's the thing it's not even the fact that he was not all of me was so busy just annihilating it. You can feel you can have a few drunk drinks and be at the wrong place at the wrong time and get a DUI. Like, yes.

SPEAKER_01 1:01:29

I'm just thankful I I never got one at all.

SPEAKER_02 1:01:31

Yes, and so no, he got some D UIs we send the basis of prison time, but he's been into jails, he's been into rehab, he's been into all these different types, and it's like whenever he was on the straight and arrow as far as like on a probation, he was on a bracelet, he was on a breathwise, he was on the thing that could test have your sweat like on your body.

SPEAKER_01 1:01:51

I know somebody that was like that.

SPEAKER_02 1:01:52

Yeah, but he's but he has no problem staying sober on that. But it's like when you get the free will.

SPEAKER_01 1:02:00

Yeah, it's the free will, and so I think the situation was when you're not yeah, when you it's different between that you're forced to do it and when you actually want to do it on your own.

SPEAKER_02 1:02:10

But I think the but I think the beauty part is like knowing that when you're forced to do it, you can do it. But I'm wondering if like oftentimes that people just get they know that there's a light at the end of the tunnel, so there's almost like, man, I can just I just gotta do this, and then eventually I can have another drink. And that shouldn't be the mindset, it should be like, Well, I can really live life sober and just fine.

SPEAKER_01 1:02:34

See, but that's the thing, people think it's about the substance. It's about the feeling that the substance gives you.

SPEAKER_02 1:02:41

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:02:41

People can't fight that, and I couldn't fight it. Well, and it's a it's a chase this.

SPEAKER_02 1:02:46

It's a it's a hole that you're you're trying to fill a void. And until you sit in that, you realize what that is. Like, you know, some people are like, Oh, this just feels good. I want this in my body again, so I'm gonna do it.

SPEAKER_01 1:03:01

Because my sister, my sister, my baby sister, she actually asked you that. She was like, What is so great about cocaine? Why do people do cocaine?

SPEAKER_03 1:03:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:03:08

And I was like, Victoria, the feeling that cocaine cocaine gives you is amazing.

unknown 1:03:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:03:15

It's that it's just like you feel on top of the world, you're alert, you can do anything when you're on cocaine, the way you talk, all the things. It's and it's just the crash that's like the people are willing to deal with the crash. You know what I'm saying? As long as part while the party's still going on. They know they know the crash is coming at the end, but it it's it's it's the party that it gives you, like it makes you feel like it's understandable why people like it. And I I keep it real with people. I mean, because I've tried different types of drugs and I keep it real with them. It's like this is what this drug makes you feel like. Yeah. This is why people do it.

unknown 1:03:53

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:03:53

Hello. But let's be let's be real, let's be honest about that. Because you're feeling that that's why drugs are drugs.

SPEAKER_02 1:04:00

That's why drugs are drugs. Well, sin feels good. And too.

SPEAKER_01 1:04:05

And like I sin is easy. It's not that it feels good, it's easy. Sin makes you easy to feel good in a bad way. Well, sin fascinates you.

SPEAKER_02 1:04:14

Yeah, and then it assassinates you.

SPEAKER_01 1:04:18

It's truly what it is. I like that. Yeah, it's truly what it does. Fascination to assassination, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:04:24

It's true, if you think about it, that's truly what it does. Because it's a slow death.

SPEAKER_03 1:04:29

It can be it's a very good moment.

SPEAKER_02 1:04:33

Um I mean, my best friend, she got to a point, she did so many drugs to the point of shooting up wasn't even gonna have anymore.

SPEAKER_03 1:04:43

So she found it.

SPEAKER_02 1:04:45

That's that's really how she was found away. Like she was at her very like she was at her.

SPEAKER_01 1:04:50

That means God was taking it away.

SPEAKER_02 1:04:52

Huh?

SPEAKER_01 1:04:52

God took the feeling away.

SPEAKER_02 1:04:54

For sure. I think God's gonna be a little bit more.

SPEAKER_01 1:04:55

That's what the God steps done on that.

SPEAKER_02 1:04:58

For sure. I think so, because as soon as she cried out, he came out he he was right there and snatched her up and changed her life.

SPEAKER_01 1:05:04

It's that it's that it's it's the reward of the cry out.

SPEAKER_02 1:05:09

And I think what people don't understand is like when you when you like you think drugs can make you feel good, you ever have an encounter with the Lord, stop playing with you right now.

SPEAKER_01 1:05:19

Just simple worship does it for me. Literally, just weeping, just uh like my car is my prayer closet.

SPEAKER_03 1:05:31

That's so good though.

SPEAKER_01 1:05:32

That that's where I scream, shout, cry, I'm singing, I get everything out, that's where all the feels are. That's why I try to stay busy, like constantly stay active, because when I'm still I'm emotional.

SPEAKER_02 1:05:45

You're supposed that's where the motion is.

SPEAKER_01 1:05:47

So I'm so emotional when I'm just sitting there and I'm in thought. And it's just like the amount of trust that I have in him, it's just like I trust you gotta I get it.

SPEAKER_02 1:07:07

I don't know. But I'm surrendering. I know that you are right. This is how I feel. And I think that's all like God isn't intimidated by anything. He's like none of them. I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 1:07:25

Like he just wants you to show uh he's like, just please give it to me. Be present. Be present in the Lord.

SPEAKER_02 1:07:33

That's something that when I started this, I'm like, Lord, I don't have I didn't have this. And I was like, hey Lord, I remember what he kept saying. I'm like, I'm not no Lord, like I'm not it, I'm not this ain't not you know I am not the vessel. I don't want to speak in front of you, I don't want you to have a camera. I'm like, I don't want people to see my angles. Absolutely not. No.

SPEAKER_01 1:08:00

Are you doing that? This is what you're gonna do.

SPEAKER_02 1:08:07

And I wasn't working. I was like, all right, Lord. I'm gonna do it. I want this project. If you want me to do this, I'm gonna need you to make this one. Okay. And I'm not using it at that time. I mean my shoulders were maybe like all right, Lord.

SPEAKER_01 1:08:34

And I was like, you're like, you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_02 1:08:46

I was like, I have no idea how to record it, I don't know how to upload it, I don't know how to do that. I said I was gonna do it and I know you want to crazy because I didn't know how to put this up. And I was like okay, and it wasn't like the day that I was recording, I think it was just like email that day saying, Hey, and I was like, So I feel like right now we have to do something. I would like I have to take that beat and then you know what I'm saying? So it's like and every step of the way where I'd like I had to go out before I was prepared to talk about any of the things. I'm like, all right, I'll just do this um it's kind of like I'm taking this you better catch me if I show up and show out.

SPEAKER_01 1:09:53

Congratulations.

SPEAKER_02 1:09:56

I don't know why you're not here. Um actually You can do it.

SPEAKER_01 1:10:28

You can do it. You just gotta want to do it.

SPEAKER_02 1:10:33

To be honest, I don't think people don't even worry about the money out of the money just pay. And I think the money is every money.

SPEAKER_01 1:10:39

And that's what stopped me. That was the devil talking to me. That was the devil all those years that you can't gotta rehab. You'll never you'll never get to rehab, and then he provided for me that good old day. Take all aspects of it. Don't focus on what it is you're trying to change, what is you trying to do, and just do it. Find a way to get there and don't stop. If you really want it, go get it done.

SPEAKER_02 1:11:20

You know what I mean? Like, they don't want anybody to know because jeopardize and that's the thing, people understand that too.

SPEAKER_01 1:11:29

Like, there's a dictionary thing, I just want to lower all types of people rich, poor, middle class, single moms, single dad, single. You know, money just take money, I don't matter how much money you have. If you have if you're addicted, you're addicted. That's just that 'cause a lot of people look at rich people and be like, oh, you're rich. Why are you like this? Addiction is mental. That has nothing to do with your bank account. Poor people are adding. What are we talking about here? Addiction is addiction, it's a whole thing on its own. It's mental, it's your mental health.

SPEAKER_02 1:12:11

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:12:12

You gotta understand what it is that's going on inside of you. And God is gonna help you sort all that out.

SPEAKER_02 1:12:21

Book of light.

SPEAKER_01 1:12:22

Yes, uh book of light. Get into it.

SPEAKER_02 1:12:26

Just get into it.

SPEAKER_01 1:12:30

Yeah, I'm excited. Thank you for having me, girl. This is cool. We gotta do more, do more things, we gotta get out of here.

SPEAKER_02 1:12:38

So then where are you what are you trying to do with your your LC? What are you trying to think about?

SPEAKER_01 1:12:41

Well, right now I'm gonna finish up my uh recovery specialist certification to get that started and then get into a company dealing with that, and then open my own sober living home to help add it for a fresh start. So hopefully you open up more than one home, but we're gonna start with the one right now and get that going. I just wanna What is your dream?

SPEAKER_02 1:13:03

Let's dream big, but it's not dream small. Let's dream big. What is your dream?

SPEAKER_01 1:13:08

I want this to be a huge national organization where I have sober living facilities everywhere. Because I know some people who have 20 homes in different states and stuff like that. This is a big deal. I just the cost of living these days too. And when you re- when I restarted my life, I didn't have anything I had to do all from scratch. And sober living helps you with that. You get back into life and the swing of things. Like start paying your rent again, start paying your bills again, get a job, stay sober, get a nice comfortable environment, the same days and the total positive. So help you get to the I want the organization to help people just keep going, accomplish goals. One out of the other. Yes. Yes. It opens up it opens up jobs, opens up everything. It just it gives people that's what people need, that's what I needed. I just needed someone to be I got you. See, I see what you're I see what you're trying to do. Call my mom if you did.

SPEAKER_03 1:14:24

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:14:25

That's what my family was to me. So because some people don't have good environments to go back home to after rehab, because they ask for that before you leave.

unknown 1:14:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:14:34

I trust everybody.

SPEAKER_00 1:14:36

I was trusting everybody with my feelings, just with everything. Like, because I was a good person essentially, so I was just like, everyone's a good person. You know what I'm saying? But there's really, and I don't think people are bad.

SPEAKER_01 1:14:47

I just feel like mental health has a lot to do with upbringing and stuff like that, and people don't take that into accountability, just write the person up because they're bad.

SPEAKER_02 1:14:55

Yeah, well, that's society. That's yeah, yeah. Because I mean, ultimately, like God created us all in his image when he he formed he formed you in your mother's room, he knew who you were. So, like, God doesn't create mistakes, and so but society can just is so judgmental to people, it can be so harsh to people. And I remember like one of the things my mom always said, she was always like, just be good to people and people will be good to you. So I remember like I would just constantly pour myself out and just get trampled on, and then I would pour myself out to the next person, and people were just like, You let you let what people walk all over you, but it's like, no, I'm not gonna let what the that person did to me affect the way I'm gonna treat you, but at the same time, it was like it was the same person, just in a different body, and it was the same. Um be honest, it was the same spirit, just in a different person, and it was something that I went after because it was just I was a feel-good type of thing. I was longing for love, I was longing for affection, I was longing for attention, I was longing to belong, I was seeking all those to fit in, but then at the same time to also hide and just be enough. I've always was like, Why can't I just be enough? How come I'm just not enough? That question right there. And how come they just how come they don't just choose me? How come there's always somebody else that they have to mess around? You know what I mean? Why? But it God says you are enough. God says you are my child. God says I love you, God says you've always been enough.

SPEAKER_00 1:16:17

You see, and when I tell people when they be like, why when they're like, why not me? I tell them you're not ready. For like when they want help? When you ask a guy why this, why this, and you get mad at God, because you can be angry with your father, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's you're not ready, and that's what I'm learning. Yeah. I'm sitting here like excited to get married, all the things. Yeah. But I wasn't ready.

SPEAKER_01 1:16:44

I thought I was. I know I want to get married. Yeah, all those things. Right. Yeah. You don't have these things.

SPEAKER_00 1:16:52

If you have to question it, you're not ready. Because if he's ready, God's gonna give it to you. God's gonna allow it to happen.

SPEAKER_02 1:16:57

Well, some God's time. God's time is always way better than our time. Always. And so sometimes rushing something.

SPEAKER_00 1:17:04

And I just I need to learn just seeking it, let it come to me.

SPEAKER_02 1:17:08

I think that's the beautiful part.

SPEAKER_01 1:17:10

It's like you're chasing the wrong thing, it's just letting it come.

SPEAKER_00 1:17:15

Worry about me and let the gifts come to me. Let the blessings come to be in. Don't block your blessings. I tell people all the time, don't block your blessings. Correct.

SPEAKER_03 1:17:24

Correct.

SPEAKER_00 1:17:25

If someone's trying to do something for you, you know, don't block your blessing. Yeah. Because my I tell people all the time, you didn't ask for it. They offered.

SPEAKER_01 1:17:32

If someone's offering to do something for you, don't block your blessing.

SPEAKER_00 1:17:35

Yeah. Because you don't know where it came from.

SPEAKER_02 1:17:36

Well, and to be honest, sometimes people want to do it. Oh, that's kind of a prayer.

SPEAKER_00 1:17:39

Yeah, some people want to do things in their heart, and if you reject them, it hurts them. Yeah. Let that person, if that person's offering to do, they wanted to do it. Yeah. Let them do it. Yeah. Don't block your blessings. Like when I see people at work, you know what I'm saying? They'd be like, oh, they'd be like, no, no, no, no, no. I didn't do this for that. Don't block your blessing. Correct.

SPEAKER_01 1:18:04

You've been busting your tail all shift. I see that.

SPEAKER_02 1:18:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:18:08

This is what I can offer you.

SPEAKER_02 1:18:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:18:10

Let me feed you tonight.

SPEAKER_02 1:18:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:18:12

This is the least I can do. Eat.

SPEAKER_02 1:18:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:18:15

Eat. Food.

SPEAKER_02 1:18:17

Right.

SPEAKER_00 1:18:18

Like, yeah. It's just it your blessings can be so literal and so small.

SPEAKER_01 1:18:24

Big or small, don't block them, accept them. And just be thankful.

SPEAKER_03 1:18:29

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:18:31

Not everybody gets offerings.

SPEAKER_02 1:18:32

Right. Well, and you know, and it sometimes it takes a lot of people to step out on faith just to ask. Mm-hmm. So you rejecting them could have been like, see, this is why I ain't gonna ask.

SPEAKER_00 1:18:44

And see, that's where you need to learn between that's another discernment, askers and beggars. For sure. It's a thin line, boy. Like if you don't know the person, the askers and beggars. Like. And I'm learning, I'm learning to pray more on my decisions, like, before I finalize the decision, like pray on it and get an answer back from God before the guard is what I should be doing. I'm gonna go ahead with that.

SPEAKER_03 1:19:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:19:12

Or no, I shouldn't be doing it because it's the feeling that I'm getting after I've done praying about it.

SPEAKER_02 1:19:17

So if that what I say, if there's often confusion on it, if it doesn't align with God's word, it's not from God.

SPEAKER_00 1:19:26

Yeah, do you get the feeling like, oh, you should do it, don't do it.

SPEAKER_02 1:19:30

Yeah. Take for an example, I thought about asking for a bunch of grades and loan for the nonprofit to start it up and all that kind of stuff. Just because I'm like, man, I want to get these homes, I want to get this. And I'm like, you know what? A lot of people have a they were kind of encouraged me to like just just ask, just ask. And I was like, I just don't know if it's the right time. And I remember just praying over it, and God just told me kept on just be still, it's not the right time right now. And that may be where he needs me to go in the future, but where I was trying to go at the time, it just wasn't the right time. And I want to be on time with the Lord than not on time without the Lord, and there's a big difference, and I just remember, and then it was like, I remember um I was because the Lord has He He's always and I think He does this for a lot of people, kind of gives them a vision, but doesn't give them the plan. And so I remember having conversations, and he was like, You're gonna be leaving Roadhouse soon. Well, my soon and his soon are two different soons. My soon is in like a week. So last year when he spoke this to me, I'm like, Oh, I'm taking off this summer. Okay, and here I am over a year later, still working. But and so then I started, I'm like, oh, is this summer? Am I gonna be leaving soon after graduation? And so I remember like being anxious, do I need to quit?

SPEAKER_00 1:20:46

What are you gonna do with your degree?

SPEAKER_02 1:20:48

Oh, what plans do you have with your degree?

SPEAKER_00 1:20:51

You just graduated too.

SPEAKER_02 1:20:52

I know. Let's talk for you to do. Thank you. No, thank you. So I was actually just waiting on to get a pastoral reference, and I just got it yesterday, so I'm gonna step into jails and do prison ministry and start from there because I want like you want to build sober living homes, I want to build restoration homes, I want to build homeless shelters, I want to build a to where they have a place to go to to be successful, starting from the ground up. Like, let's let's look at your remember, we kind of had talked about this like the finances part of it. What is what does life look like outside of jail? What does life look like being sober? What does life look like? You know what I'm saying? And so, um, because some people don't have the best environment to go to out of jail, they go, and that's the reason why they circle back around.

SPEAKER_01 1:21:36

And that's basically like my vision for square life. It's to show people because I live a square life, like I do everything right, do everything I'm supposed to do.

SPEAKER_00 1:21:45

And I feel like when people be like, Oh, we don't mean we don't drink, you don't do any drugs, so life's not fun. And you go out, it's not the same. You go out, yeah, it is. Life is great. Let's don't do not play with me. Life is great. When you go, when you start going out there, when you get sober, you start going out there doing the same things you're doing, like going out, like taking vacations and stuff without that kind of stuff, but you used to gotta go out. You don't need it.

SPEAKER_02 1:22:10

No.

SPEAKER_00 1:22:12

You still get amped up with the same same song as you did when you was hot. Same thing. Yeah. I don't listen to that music anymore. I listen to worship music now. Well, that's you listen to worship music when you yeah, like yeah, no, you're still gonna get the same, you're still gonna get the same thing. You still like the song, yeah, yeah. So it's like you still like to go out. It's the same, it's the same thing, it's an adjustment.

SPEAKER_02 1:22:34

See, like, I want to start serving.

SPEAKER_00 1:22:36

Life's not over when you come clean.

SPEAKER_02 1:22:38

No, but you will in this process as far as stepping out on faith and following the Lord. I mean, my friend list is very small. I love it, but I I have a I have a wonderful support group, if that makes sense. I have a lot of people, I am rooting for you, I am all the kind of things, but there's a very small amount of people that I can call and complain, and they're like, Oh, this sounds like you're feeling like this. Let's pray over this. There's a very few people that will pick up, like, will be like, No, no, no, we're not gonna figure out a plan, we're gonna pray, and we're gonna be led by the Lord. And that I think getting back and rooted into God, what God says and God's truth has been has kept me grounded, and I think that a lot of people don't realize is that this is going to guide you through every situation, and that's where I want to, but that's where the freedom bridge and the I mean and it's the freedom bridge.

SPEAKER_00 1:23:32

You go from one side and you come out on the other side, like freedom in Christ, that is the whole and itself like the rehab was my bridge, and then I came out on the other side, free of all, yes, and it's a lifelong journey, but I but I want to set people up as far as what does a day-to-day look like when you're faced with challenges.

SPEAKER_02 1:23:51

How what where where do you go to? Let's go to the Bible, let's get surrounding community. I want to have weekly Bible studies, I want to have weekly, um, I want to serve serve whoever in the community that the Lord is leading me to serve.

SPEAKER_00 1:24:05

I want to speak. That's another thing that's coming through from God. I believe I need to speak to people. Yeah, that's what I need some type of platform where I can reach people, that people need to hear me on a weekly basis, something.

SPEAKER_01 1:24:22

That's why I've been asking questions about the old podcast. Like maybe I should start there, something.

SPEAKER_02 1:24:28

But why don't you what why don't you just even start pray over it? But what if you're like it's Monday motivation or it's a Tuesday testimony, and you s and you go live or you post a video and you share your story and you share how what life looks like and just start speaking up.

SPEAKER_01 1:24:44

I'm gonna go on three-day spiritual fasting journey between June 1st and September 1st. I'm doing it, do it, and I'm gonna document this whole thing, and so see what ends up on the other side of the whole schedule that I'm doing every day.

SPEAKER_02 1:25:00

So it's just like what I've learned is people love to see people's journeys, the enemy also loves to attack people's journeys and distractions. The reason why I'm not posting, and I'm like, okay, I'm recording now and then I'm gonna post later is well, for one, learning, but for two is the enemy loves to attack what you're doing at the moment when it's put out there. That's what I've really noticed. And so when I make and I speak on things that I haven't already done yet, it's like the attacks come even more and more, and so um, I'm not posting until it's all complete. And so in your journey, document it each day, you know what I'm saying? But then I would recommend when you're finished with it, then start posting them because then that way you're gonna be able to look back on how that day was, you're gonna be able to answer the questions, and you're already gonna have like the all you gotta do is just post, you know what I mean? You can work on the editing as you go, but just be patient because being patient and being still until the Lord tells you to release it, because if you want to really the impact that it's gonna have when you're on his time is way bigger than our eagerness, if that makes any sense. Um, but it's something that I would definitely recommend journaling, I would definitely recommend writing down because somebody is fighting the exact same things you're fighting, and you're we he is meant he created us to seek him and to go out and tell people about the goodness of God and the glory of Jesus.

SPEAKER_00 1:26:33

And I got to be gonna, I got to.

SPEAKER_02 1:26:36

I wouldn't even I wouldn't even focus on so much having a platform because here's the thing the Lord can flip your platform, and you can have two followers one day and a million the next. So I would just focus on the obedience and the discipline and pruning things that he's had give me this because this can't go into your next season, yeah. And I think this comfort that I was in and carrying the shame and this shame and this guilt that I was carrying still, he was like, This cannot go into your next season. He's like, You need to give me that. These thoughts were just tormenting in my brain, in my head, and in my mind, and then when I would release them to the Lord, it was like a fresh revelation, he would just drop. And I'm like, Oh my gosh, why am I carrying this? He took it to the cross, and then he kept bringing me right back to scripture. I took it to the cross, I took it to the cross, I nailed it to the cross, I walked through it with I walked through this. I didn't just ex I didn't just say I'm taking it to the cross. I experienced every single thing, the rejection, the the shame. I experienced every single thing that you are possibly carrying. It's at the cross. You can't tell me. And so I think every time I did that, it's like he always just brought me right to the cross. Like drastic, and I'm like, okay, Lord, okay, all right. And I feel like he's just like, my sweet, my sweet child, like I told you this before. It's like, don't touch the marker. How many times do you want to get burned? Yes. Hitell is hotter. I ain't trying to go there.

unknown 1:28:06

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 1:28:07

I know that's burned.

SPEAKER_02 1:28:08

But yeah, that's kind of where my next step is. The paperwork is all now all complete. And so I'll be I'm excited to go. I'm very nervous because I've personally never been in jail. I've never been in prison. And so I'm like, Lord, why would you ask me to go to someplace I've never been? But I know what it's like. Like I've told you before, I know what it's like to carry a lot of the things.

SPEAKER_01 1:28:38

We look forward to that.

SPEAKER_02 1:28:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:28:40

And I just we were looking at each other all day and the stupid pie. All these thoughts going through our head, and it's just like we can't wait till Tuesday to a Bible study. And I know who you're gonna get. I just want to speak life in the game. And you never know, you might be the one that they oh, is Miss Abby here? Where's Miss Abby? You could be that one that's highly sought after and keep you there. Yeah. And then it can move you on to more. I just wish I keep telling people if I can't. See if people see you can record in there.

SPEAKER_02 1:29:12

I I think I asked. I don't think you can. You can really can't, yeah. But that's another thing is I would love to be able to take this podcast when they get out and they have they met Jesus and they're like, I want them to come and share it. I want to hear everybody's story. I want to know the why. I want to know why. You know how they how they go. I want to know why your uncles, aunts, sisters, cousins, why are they the way they are?

SPEAKER_00 1:29:33

Why do they get it? And that's what I try to teach people when I be like, people are so quick to write people off. Yeah. I just want to love people. Instead of like, hey, like, there's a reason why they're like that. Yeah. Why don't you figure that out? Correct. Because now you're being you're judging, you've been you're pre-judging.

SPEAKER_02 1:29:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:29:49

And so that's what I like to tap into. I'd be like, okay, why are you like that?

SPEAKER_02 1:29:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:29:53

What happened to you?

SPEAKER_02 1:29:54

Yeah. Yeah, I know, same. And I'm like, wait a minute, let's take a let's take a step. What's what is the root of this? And I think that's where that's where I love to hear people's stories. I love to hear the people, the why. And I just, and I want to speak life and pour into them where they're at. And whether that's at the lowest moment or the highest moment, or the middle moment, or the in-between moment. I don't care. I just want to let them to know no matter where you're at, you're loved. No matter where you're at, you're valuable. No matter where you're at, you have purpose. No matter where you're at, you're never too far away. You have breath in your lungs. You are right where God needs you. And that's he telling people said, Jesus had nothing. Literally.

SPEAKER_00 1:30:34

Jesus had nothing.

SPEAKER_02 1:30:35

He had everything.

SPEAKER_00 1:30:36

He had he had God because he had everything. But I'm saying, like material, he had nothing.

SPEAKER_02 1:30:40

He didn't need it. He didn't need it. No, none of that matters. And that that was and that was the whole purpose. And that's the thing where at that time of life, where status, money, all the things was so important. So they were like, they see this man. Who is this man? That's walking around.

SPEAKER_00 1:30:57

And he was just like, move. And then it didn't stand out. You know what I'm saying? He had to he had to tell people who he was. People didn't look at him, was like, oh, that's Jesus.

SPEAKER_02 1:31:06

He eventually, yeah, he he told, and then he had to sh you know start showing who he was, who his authority was, but on God's time, not his time, because he it wasn't until he he went on his he was 30 years on this earth that people didn't know how powerful he really was. And the guy said, Now it's your time. And to go out and to grab the disciples. And and and it's just beautiful, it's beautiful on how the type of the disciples that he created, like he chose because they were written off. They were they were they were written off from the society back then. And Jesus said, You are perfect, you are valuable, you are going to make you are going to change this world.

SPEAKER_00 1:31:47

And that's why the Bible is so important.

unknown 1:31:49

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 1:31:50

Because you see yourself in all these sites. Yes. Some you see yourself in at least one.

SPEAKER_02 1:31:56

Paul was the worst of the worst, blasphemer. He was literally going around killing people for spreading the gospel, and the Lord stopped him on his way. And was like, why are you killing my people? And changed his life. And he wrote almost half half the New Testament. Just do not play with my Lord. He will turn around everything for his glory.

SPEAKER_00 1:32:19

And I believe that's why people that's why people have to believe that no sin is greater than the other. Like you said, Paul was a hate murderer. So that's in our time, a serial killer. Yeah. Serial killer. God used him. Literally. He used a serial killer to spread the gospel. And to write no sin is greater than the other people.

SPEAKER_02 1:32:39

And that's the thing, bro. We sin every day. We have to repent every day because sin can creep up in our hearts. And it's a heart posture. If you have a hardened heart, I mean it's like having a big thing of ice. You trying to reach like food underneath it with your finger. Well, that's not gonna happen. You're not gonna get your you have to melt it. You have to so you have to soften it. You gotta break through. Yes. Well, I believe in you. I believe in this. I believe in your square life. I love it. I love it. I believe that the Lord is working in you. I believe He's in the middle of this. Oh yeah, he's in there. And I can't wait to have you back on because I'm gonna do some more seasons at Lord willing. We're gonna get this thing pop in.

SPEAKER_00 1:33:25

Yes, pop and we can start speaking places, all kinds of stuff.

SPEAKER_02 1:33:28

Listen, I'm not even you don't gotta speak that to me because I'm not even ready for all that. So it's scary for me. Well, I'm ready for it. So you're gonna cook me. You can cook along with me. Awesome. Okay, perfect, perfect. Well, Penny, thank you so much. Thank you. I love you. I love you as well. Thank you for coming on, guys. I hope that this podcast was wonderful for you guys. I hope you guys tune in each week. And I'm gonna link it.

SPEAKER_00 1:33:50

Support your girl. Support your girl.

SPEAKER_02 1:33:53

I'm gonna link all the ways to get a hold of Penny, how to support Penny. That's gonna be in the descriptions. So you guys reach out. Do not hesitate to reach out, do not hesitate to ask questions. Like she is an open book and would love all the things sent her way. So we love you guys. Y'all keep pleasing the kingdom and have a fabulous week. Have a good one.